Hello Again


Hello.

…you’ve come to visit.

As I passed by mothers with screaming children. Strangers talking. Laughing. Walking out with their Hemmes style furniture and Swedish meatballs. Amsit the hustle and bustle of a busy the store.

You made yourself at home in the deepest corners of my mind.

You made the walls close in.

You cut off my breath.

Trapped me in my own mind.

With my thoughts.

My own private hell.

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Relationship Status


“Please don’t give up on us” I said in a hushed tone for the millionth time.  We stood on his door step together.  We were tired, frustrated, and angry with one another.  My heart was breaking into a million pieces. I wanted to scream,  but I couldn’t.  The inner restlessness asphyxiated my natural emotional response. To cry. I felt powerless. I wanted him to hold me in his arms and kiss me.  I loved him in a way I’d never expected. Completely. To me, this sometimes sulky, always funny, smart, man with a tough exterior but a gentle heart was “home”.

We’d argued all night. We’d never argued while we were together, and now, here we were still talking at 8:30 on an otherwise peaceful Sunday morning in September.  Antagonized by the previous night’s discussion.

I did not want it to end. To me, we were building something together. A rythem. A life. I’d thought eventually, we’d settle down together, start a family, build a future. One day he said he wasn’t in love with me, and although he cared about me, wanted to protect me, and wanted what was best for me, he didn’t think we would be together in five years, so he thought it better to end it. He was happy. I was happy, but he felt he needed to feel that over-the-top, out-of-the-ball-park feeling to call “love”. What is all of that if not love?

….I never felt he didn’t love me, hearing him say he didn’t, was incongrunet with our story. To me. We matched. I’d felt that instant connection which with time had turned into what matters. Respect. Mutual admiration and friendship. These are the foundations of loving and lasting relationship.

The break up was at the end of July, three weeks before our anniversary, we did not communicate until August when we started texting and talking again. I felt there was hope for us, and I continued to see him and text him funny messages and discuss politics and every day musings.

Our story shuffled through my mind as I stood and looked out at cars passing by. From the beginning and our first awkward date, to our first kiss by the light of his Jeep after hiking the trail. To the many nights we’d stay up late talking about everything and nothing at once. I remembered how he’d climb into bed with me when he knew I would fall asleep before him and kiss my forehead to wish me good night. I remembered cutting his hair in his kitchen and giving him back massages until he melted in my arms. I thought about his daughter’s birthday and how happy I was to be able to spend time not only with him, but with her, Aary, and his family. Not only did I love him, I loved them as well.

As the movie of us played in my mind, I turned around, and walked away.

I cried the entire way home. I didn’t eat. I slept all day. I allowed an entire day to go by where I didn’t care about the world around me. I felt empty. I missed him.

…And now? We don’t speak. We agreed we wanted to remain friends and we agreed we needed time away from one another.

I’ve wanted to reach out, but worry that my words may betray me and “hello” might sound like “I miss you” and “how are you?” might sound like “I love you”.  So I don’t.

As time has gone by, I’ve started to accept dinner and drink invitations. Instead of dating to forget, I am dating to remember, not Josh, but myself. Among the dizzying conversations about politics, and playful narratives about ex’s, children, and life I am trying to remember what I want and to allow myself to enjoy the magic of new beginnings.

Onward-
L.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reverberations


Today, I came home from work and found Aary sobbing uncontrollably. He walked down stairs and collapsed in my arms. We sat down and cried together.  I swept his hair aside, kissed him and whispered in his ear how much I loved him. But mostly I just listened. I listened to his sobs as he struggled to catch his breath.

“Where is he?” he demanded? “why isn’t he here?”

His cries reverberated down my spine into the marrow of my being .

…daddy, dad, father….him. He misses HIM.

At times I feel defeated. No matter how much our situation has improved in spite of him being gone.  I cannot figure out how to make this better. I cannot take away his pain, I cannot absorb it for him.  At times I want to give in and contact the lawyer and request a visit… but I don’t. Instead. I count my blessings. Aary is happy. Aary is growing up in a stable home.  Aary has never seen me hurt physically at his hands. Aary will grow up to be a good man. One day, Aary will be a good husband, partner, and father.

Onward-

L-

 

 

Long time no write?


Long time no write?

A quick synopsis of the last few months.

In July, I lost my job at the private doctor’s office. After working with Luxottica for 10 years, it was difficult for me to make that adjustment. When I was let go, the office manager took me to the back, alongside my lab manager, they looked me straight in the eye, and said “we do not feel you are a good fit for the practice”. I felt a bit like the folks on Survivor. I’d been voted off the island. A wash of relief came over me. I was not happy. It was not me. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t make it work. I cried on my way home. I was upset for several weeks. The worse part of losing your job is that it is not your choice.

I met some amazing people in the time that I was there, and I learned a great deal about myself.  I am thankful that I was a part of such an amazing team, even if only for a short amount of time.

Aary, my mom and I spent the summer traveling.  I’d paid my bills two and a half months in advance, so I wasn’t worried about bills. I took the time to enjoy life, relax, and simply have fun. We spent our summer in the best possible way, seeing friends and family.

I spent a good part of the summer thinking about what I wanted to do. I was not sure I wanted to return to optics, and gave a lot of thought to going back to school and starting an MA in Nutrition and Food Security. Before returning to VA, I worked one day at a Target Optical in FL with two AMAZING women. I realized that I loved what I do, and that Luxottica is where I needed to be. I made some phone calls, and I returned to work with Luxottica a week after my arrival.

In retrospect. I needed the time off. I needed to be away from Lux for a while. I couldn’t take the drive to work anymore, 20 hours a week in the car, on top of what I was working was killing my connection to my son and my spirit. I could not take, coming home each night to find Aary in bed, dressed in the “mommy smell shirt”. It made me feel as though I’d failed as a parent.  There are other reasons, however this was the most important to me.

Being back is not perfect, however I enjoy what I get to do each and every single day. I am competitive, goal oriented, and driven by numbers. I balance that however, with a knack for patient care. My personal philosophy is to “take care of the guest and give your employees the tools necessary to be successful, and the numbers will follow”.

 

Music for the Unemployed


Last night, we danced in my aunt’s living room. Barefoot. Moving to the rhythms of Latin beats blaring out of her stereo.

Aary danced along with me, at times stepping on my foot  then erupting out-loud with mischievous laughter.  He filled the  house with merriment as he spun around, dizzy and anxious to find his dancing legs.  First bachata, then merengue and salsa.

I remembered my childhood. I remembered listening to my father playing everything from Javier Solis to Frank Sinatra and Willie Nelson on Sunday afternoons on his turntable.  I remembered dancing on the beach with my cousin Ivanna as I learned how to dance merengue the first time.

Music is my comfort.

More than remembering  I was able to forget about my current lack of employment.

On July 2nd, I stepped into the office, I was summoned by my assistant manager and office manager. I was taken to the kitchen, and dismissed from my duties.

I will not lie. I cried. I cried for the entire 46 minute drive home, then stopped when I saw Aary.  I knew I could not lie to him, so I told him why I was home early, and let him know that I had been fired. I cannot hide this from him, nor do I want to. My relationship with him is based on honesty, Aary knows what he needs to know, no more or less.

At times I become overwhelmed and frustrated.   At times I am upset, while others I simply accept what has happened. Mostly however, I find myself trying to re-focus my energies into finding a job that I will love and that will allow me to help others.

Wish me luck. Hope that I will find what I need, not only what I want. Everything happens for a reason.

Onward.

 

Family Vacation 2014


Aary, my mom and I took a trip to Rhode Island and Connecticut to see friends over the 4th of July weekend. Aary had an amazing time, we all did. Although I said this on Facebook, I want to share it here as well;

A million and one thanks to our amazing friends, who are more like family. Thank you for opening your hearts and homes to Aary, my mom and I. We had an amazing time sharing great food and fun stories. Thank you for sharing in twenty years of friendship. You’ve helped to mark some of the most important moments in my life, with love and laughter

 

Aary had the opportunity to see amazing fireworks, meet new people, see the rocky beaches of the north, make friends with a cow (Junior), run around in large fields, and spend some time with some of the most amazingly warm people that I know, my forever friends. 

ctvacation

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